Wed, May 2nd:
I received my proposal on Tuesday night, and on Wednesday I was still in shock and didn't know what to think. All I can remember is the days being a big blur. I didn't eat, and I kept asking God questions like, Why Daniel? Why do you want me in Roanoke church? I don't know anyone from there. Why when we're both so young? And more questions like those were just going round and round in my head. But at the same time I just kept praying for clear direction even though I had all these questions.
I opened up to Galatians 6:1; Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
When I read that verse, I realized that when I thought of marriage, I was thinking that my husband would just keep me strong and stable in Christ. (very shallow I know...) But I felt very convicted that I needed to be the strong one sometimes and not lean on other people all the time. I felt that I needed to have my own convictions and beliefs and stand up for what I believe in, and not just rely on my husband. I know the husband is the spiritual head, but it certainly isn't all of their responsibility either. Daniel would need just as much support as I needed.
I met my Dad on Wednesday for lunch, and I remember telling him that whatever happens that it is going to be a long and overwhelming process.
Thurs, May 3rd:
Thursday was when my heart started changing. An excerpt from my journal:I need Thee and Thy direction- Lord I don't even know what to think right now so many things are running through my mind. I think something, and then I(or satan) persuades myself otherwise. Lord I need clear direction with this. I want to do whatever is your will and not mine. I don't want my own wants and then be disobedient to you. At first I was completely thrown off by it being Daniel. My first thought was "no way." Today I found myself thinking totally different than I was yesterday. But then I get scared and tell myself that I can just say no. I know I am going to need Faith no matter what happens, so I pray for an abundance of Faith during this time.
So as I mentioned in my journal, I did start thinking differently. I worked in the morning, and was doing tedious things like filing. I began to think differently about Daniel...and even started imagining IF I did marry Daniel. The first couple of days my mind wouldn't even go there. I thought about the financial part of it, going to Roanoke church, etc.... I think this is when I had my first hint of feelings.
I normally worked all day on Thursday's, but since I was in the middle of finals week, I left early to study at school before my night class. Sooo...I was sitting in the library at school studying. I looked up at one point, and Daniel was sitting right there at a computer talking to someone... not too far away from me. I had just walked RIGHT past him and didn't realize it. I wasn't sure what to think, I didn't even know he was still there at ICC, I thought he had already transferred. It was a restless afternoon of studying.
That night I opened up to:
1 Peter 5:7; Casting all your care upon him for he careth for you.
vs 10; But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus after ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, and settle you.
These verses really gave me peace, because I knew that through this that God was perfecting me and strengthening me for good, even though I was confused and unsure of everything at that moment.
Fri, May 4th:
By Friday I began to have more feelings for Daniel. As soon as I had those feelings, the thought of marriage just scared me. I didn't feel ready for marriage at all, and I was basically feeling at that point that I would never want to get married. I believe I was feeling that way because I was scared of marriage, and I wasn't willing to have a major life change. I felt a mixture of things... I was developing feelings, but yet so scared that I was even developing those feelings. I began to think well... "maybe...."(instead thinking NO) but the thoughts of us being too young went through my mind, and satan would tell me "No, you could never do this!" So at this point I didn't feel like it would be a strong no, just because of the way my heart was changing, but I would need to be shown a lot of things for it to be strong yes. I prayed for clear direction. I prayed that Daniel could be at the Central IL singing that next night, because I really wanted to see him again...(see how the feelings would react when I saw him? Maybe?)From my prayer journal:
I need direction. Clear direction. I feel as if the feelings are growing, but part of me wonders if I'm just getting more used to the idea... or if it's coming from God. Help me to have faith to say yes if that is Your will, and give me clear direction with Thy Word, the Spirit, and maybe seeing him? Prove to me, Lord, that these feelings are coming from you. I don't feel a strong no, but I am going to need a lot of things to make it a strong yes.
I know, asking to see him again seems shallow, but looking back, I really did need that so badly.
Sat, May 5th:
Saturday I began to feel more confused. Satan was onto me. I would feel the Holy Spirit convict me, and then once again I would just convince myself that I was just getting used to the idea of it all. Each night, I would feel so strongly about a yes, and in the morning I regretted that I even felt that way. I felt naive about the whole thing. Looking back, I wanted to know the WHYS about everything, which is called lack of FAITH.From my journal:
Lord I need They spirit and Thy word to speak to me, but also the circumstances too. I am need of those as they will strengthen my faith. Forgive me if I failed Thee in this situation.
(Note: I am not writing my entire journal... only parts)
That Saturday afternoon I remember going to meet a study group for finals. I was sooo anxious and could barely concentrate. That evening was the the Central IL singing... to say I was sooo shaky and anxious is an understatement. I wanted to see Daniel so bad, but then a part of me didn't want to, because I didn't really want God to answer my prayer of giving me feelings for him (terrible, I know...). All the Roanoke people showed up, but there was no Daniel. I sat down at the singing and I still hadn't seen Daniel. I was sort of relieved but disappointed at the same time.
Then 20 minutes late, in walks Daniel. He sat right diagonal from me... I could seriously sit there and watch him (and that's pretty much what I did...). I was shaking the entire night. I remember talking to some girls I didn't know very well after the singing, and it's a good thing, because any of my good friends would've been able to tell there was something wrong in a second. Through out the entire singing, I felt SO convicted, by every single song we sang, and as I prayed throughout the singing.
At the end of the singing, there was a bible reading... who read? Daniel. He read in Matthew 20...(more on this later). I just prayed that God would give me some major direction when I got home that evening because I needed peace... I felt so much conviction I was miserable.
When I got home, I went straight into my bedroom to pray. I opened the Bible to:
-1 Thessalonians 5:19; Quench not the Spirit
It's such a short verse, but so powerful. I truly felt I was quenching the spirit.
I felt a flood of peace as I sat there and poured my heart to God, and read the bible for a couple of hours. I finally surrendered to God and let him do His will with my life. It felt so much like the night I started repenting I was so convicted, and then I received a flood of peace. I just sat there and reflected on what the Lord had done in my life in just 5 days. I opened to a lot of scripture about marriage, that took the my "fear" away that I had been having.
From my journal:
Dear God, I do not even know what to think right now. I feel so convicted and lead by the spirit, I have all day. Since Wednesday actually. Lord, I prayed that you would give feelings if there were feelings that needed to be there. And that it would all be you, nothing of me..or my dreams, etc. Lord I have felt those feelings within the past few days and extremely now. This conviction keeps getting stronger, I feel like I did when I started repenting. So LORD, I asked for one thing... feelings. And those feelings are there more than I would have thought was EVER possible. Lord I asked for clear direction, that I would need circumstances to help confirm these thoughts/feelings I have about Daniel. And you have. God you are so mighty and powerful. Continue to guide and direct me tomorrow as it is the Lord's day!
God had given me everything that I needed and that I prayed for.
I re-read what Daniel read at the singing that night... as I opened up to Matthew 20, I saw what was right next to it, Matthew 19, verse 5:
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh.
Little did I know... (which I know now of course), that Daniel actually opened up to Matthew 19 at the singing, and turned to chapter 20. Just an interesting fact. :)
Saturday night I barely got any sleep. This was really the first night that I lost a lot of sleep over this proposal.
Sun, May 6th:
I woke up early and spent a lot of time in the Word and in prayer before going to church. That was when I felt the most peace during my proposal. I prayed for more direction(I know...again. But I am a doubter)... and that I could be hired on full-time at Gorenz. Not that it was top priority, but financially it would make me feel better because I knew he would be in school. I prayed that I could see him one more time... I wanted to so bad.Some of the verses I opened up to that Sunday morning:
1 John 5:14-15 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask anything according to his will, he heareth us. And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.
Romans 12:12 Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer.
I felt so peaceful, but I felt like I just needed to be more patient. I was honestly tired of having the proposal, I just wanted to do something with it.. whether it was a yes or no. (Some of you are probably laughing because I know you had them for months...)
I don't remember anything about that afternoon or evening, except that I tried to study for finals. But I remember I was a sub for Sunday school that morning, and I taught 2nd graders. Our lesson was on Daniel, we sang "Dare to be a Daniel".... we read in the book of Daniel in the afternoon service. Of course I probably would have never thought anything of that, except that I was thinking and praying whether I should marry Daniel or not. :)
Mon, May 7th:
I began to feel scared for marriage again, and I began to doubt. My faith began to waver. I was confused if whether God was trying to help me to be content with being single, or if it was satan scaring me about marriage. I opened up to Psalm 143, which is really what I was feeling and praying to God about.vs 1- Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications
8 - Cause me to hear Thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in Thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto Thee.
10- Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
I prayed once again about my job and seeing Daniel again. I knew if I knew about the job, that it would give me confirmation on the timing of it all.
From my journal:
I certainly don't want to base my answer off of the circumstances I am praying for, but it will help confirm, and strengthen my faith. I will know it is coming from You, and not satan.
I was totally lacking in faith, when I opened up to Luke 12:28. Verse 28 ends in the following words:
O YE OF LITTLE FAITH
and verse 29: NEITHER BE YE OF A DOUBTFUL MIND
Those two verses gave me so much peace throughout the day because I had been doubting so much. I don't think I doubted at all the entire day.
After reading Psalm 78 that evening, I realized being disobedient to God comes with serious punishment(obviously I knew that.. but I was thinking about it more than usual), and how it is SO serious. The last thing I wanted to do was disobey God with this proposal. I just prayed for patience so that I would really do what God had willed for my life.
Bear with me here.. I'm sorry it has taken so long... the last week will be continued soon, I hope! Sorry if I am extremely repetitive!
Just an FYI...1 year ago yesterday, we were announced/engaged at church! :)
